Well dear readers, with Spring comes change…flowers bloom boldly against lingering winter winds and we all get to celebrate sunlight for helping us forget months of bone chilling temps and tumultuous skies. Today on Tutus&Tea, I’m sharing a rather BiG announcement that previewed on the gram last week….
After an exhaustingly introspective season, an accumulation of thought-provoking conversation, sleepless nights and surrendered emotion, I have decided to call this 7th season as a professional ballet dancer my last one. While I know this will come as a shock to most, I thought it best to explain my journey towards this decision in hopes that it might inspire, sooth, and/or guide the wayward thought paths of other dancers (artists) alike as they reflect on and write their own stories of success. So here we go…
As long as I’ve considered and pursued a career in ballet, there were a few values/beliefs that I strived to keep at the forefront of my heart and head:
- It is no great surprise to hear that “Ballet is too hard to do if you don’t love it.” I first read this in a playbill for a NYCB performance that interviewed Janie Taylor when I was around 14, and it resonated with me strongly. I promised myself that as long as I danced, I would muscle through the seemingly endless, sacrificial days of creating live art only as long as I absolutely loved and felt fulfilled by it…needless to say, as life perspectives change, so too do our needs to feel fulfilled.
- To stay grounded in a fast, fluctuating world of inevitable insecurity (i.e. the ballet world), one has to realize that every day will provide you choices to make and perspectives to take. Relationships with your body, your mind, the mirror, your friends and family all face daily challenges that only you can navigate healthfully. To keep a “strong head” on your shoulders throughout a professional career in dance is indeed no small feat – it is a Kilimanjaro of mountains to climb and conquer, and I’m humbled to say I see myself at the top.
- This idea we call ‘comfort’ – something we all crave to establish in our lives…in our homes, relationships, work, is honestly as much of a blessing as it is a curse. I’ve found that the comfort of comfort is undeniably elusive; as much as we believe we have control over our comfort, our comfort can soon have control over us. To me, this is terrifying…and it’s what drove me to move away from home at the age of 13 to “pursue my dreams”in New York City – what inspired me to jump the pond and begin my career in Copenhagen with Royal Danish Ballet – what carried me back over the ocean blue to continue dancing here in Boston – what solidified my most recent, life changing decision to start a new chapter. My goals have always been to grow, to dream big, to believe for more, to keep climbing…which leads me to the last bit:
- As with most professional careers, there are inevitable fears that arise along the climb. Second to injury, that fear for me has always been resentment. Ballet has enriched my life in more ways than I ever thought possible. It has molded my life’s journey, my relationships, my worldly perspectives…it has challenged and rewarded me in ways I could only dream would become my (sur)reality. I promised myself that I would strive to never resent something that has fulfilled me so deeply.
With these ideals in mind…My dreams for retirement were to finish dancing in a time and place where I felt confident about my career, proud of my body (not injured or broken or overworked), and in control of my mind and my decision. I’ve lost track of the tearful end-of-career performances I have witnessed throughout the past 7 years… (the first of which I experienced in Copenhagen, barely knowing the prima ballerina taking her final bow, but stood sobbing in the wings as I succumbed to the weight of drawing something so precious to a close)…
Of course I didn’t see my own final bow as a 25 year old, wrapping up 16 years of my life’s commitment in the corps de ballet – but that’s just how life would have it – the things that happen while you’re busy “making plans”…the unique way that influential conversations, confronted self-truths, and daring decisions drive your life path down roads you couldn’t possibly foresee. And let’s be honest. You can never say never… perhaps I have different dancing days ahead of me, waiting to reveal themselves beyond winding roads I have yet to navigate. But for now, I feel pacified by this ending, ready for this new beginning.
It was January when I decided to truly consider my future in respect to my present. I allowed myself to question my comfort and to entertain unnerving ideas for change. Under the recommendation of a dear friend, I applied to Columbia University School of General Studies to create options for myself beyond what I’ve been getting from studios and stages. If anyone ever has questions on the time, place and purpose of their present career/life chapter, I challenge you to sit down and write a college application essay about what you’ve gained from it…Undoubtedly, it was the most introspective, emotionally expelling and honest conversation I have had with myself in my twenty-five years of living.
As the winter season passed, I waited to see what my future might avail…and received a letter (email) of acceptance during a costume change in the middle of a performance. I felt all of the feels. I cried. I laughed. My next chapter was beginning…
The past couple of weeks have seen campus tours and visions of my future trading tutus for textbooks… I received a plethora of support, encouragement, love and questioning that I hope this post answered and appreciated in some way or another…
Of course I will finish up the Spring Season here with my Boston Ballet family with one last epic run of Swan Lake and a mixed bill called Mirrors that will claim my final performance on May 28th.
The next couple of months will lend towards the expected emotional turnover of career transition, supported by the incredible memories I have made dancing across the world’s stages…discovering just who I am and how I want to go on impacting this world we live in. Summer will mean a move back to New York, and Fall will mark the official start of my next great role as a student, a New York City dweller, a 20-something continuing to create a life story only I can write.
To you, my sweet, encouraging readers, I send my endless gratitude…for sharing in these chronicles for nearly a decade’s worth of self-discovery both on stage and off. I have yet to determine the direction of Tutus&Tea post TuTu, but you can be sure I’ll keep you on your toes either way ;)
Yesterday at an information session I attended for Columbia, I happened upon this great quote which I’ll leave you with for now…if you’ve stuck with me through this mini-saga of a post, I hope you’ll believe it to be the tiny-takeaway gem I took it for:
The most thrilling journeys never end. They are an ongoing quest fueled by a restless, adventuresome spirit. They chart a path that is undiscovered and uniquely individual. Your journey begins when your potential is unleashed. Show the world where you are going.
With love for being such a rewarding part of my journey,
Shelby
Shelby, we met in SLC summer before last…I am a ballet mistress for ballet west and I believe we met at Maggie’s home one night for dinner and drinks…..I have enjoyed your posts and am happy for you and your new chapter…always a difficult decision but the way you explained your choices and how you came to this place are beautifully honest, and the way I hoped to finish off my career as well….unfortunately for me, a new director changed my path as he came in and had a different idea of what he wanted. Anyhow, I wish you all the very best and I hope that you continue to write as I think you have a great voice!
Cheers!
Jane Wood
Dear Jane, of course I remember meeting you! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouragement here…wishing you health and happiness!
I admire your strength and fearlessness in the face of change, which is always (eventually) a way for us to grow and gain. I’m excited for your next adventure (at my alma mater!) and will always treasure your beauty and skill as a dancer. Much love, Carrie
Dearest Carrie, Thank you for your endless support and investment in my career path wherever it has led me… Your encouragement means so much! Sending love…
Wow!! I am so excited for your new adventure and definitely have a small inkling of what it is like to throw your entire life into a new beginning and seek out a whole new identity. You are amazing and talented and I know anything you do will be a great success! Big hugs!
This is a beautifully written post, Shelby, and describes perfectly so many thoughts I juggled last year too. You must be so incredibly proud of all your achievements, but the world is your oyster and there is so much yet to discover! I can’t wait to follow your adventures. Best of luck with your upcoming performances and your big move. Sending lots of love from Seattle.
So generous of you to share that dear CiCi, thank you for your support and encouragement!! Wishing you a strong, healthy and happy Spring season with PNB!
Shelby,
This is a beautiful and gracious post, allowing your friends and family to follow and understand your heartfelt thoughts and desires. We join you and applaud you in your next great adventure. Every great beginning seems to start with an end, our smiles of happiness for your new beginning are making our tears, tears of joy and fond memories. We are so very proud of you and so excited for you and your brave decision. All our love forever, M & D xoxo
Shelby,
what an inspiring and eloquently written post. Cheers to you as you boldy begin your next chapter. Currently at a crossroads myself, considering a year off, sensing the looming end of my performing career & trying to embrace change with as much grace as possible, I must thank you for this post. A career that is such an all encompassing part of our lives is hard to let go of, but it’s so comforting to hear the thoughts of others on the topic of transition. I wish you all the best as you move on to new and exciting things & Merde for your final performances!!
Please take a peek at my dance blog if you get a chance, always looking to spread the word! Thejoyofdanceblog.wordpress.com :)
I’m in tears reading this beautiful post because I’m excited for your new chapter. You will do great and well done to everything… It’s a beautiful thing to be able to make a change, try something new and let it guide you…All the best, sweetie. xoxo
Thank you dear Diana, your support has always meant so much to me…We should connect once I’m in New York! xx
Dear Shelby, So sad that I won’t get to work with you again, { although you never know} ! You are a wonderful dancer and such a bright light on stage and off. I wish you all the best and so many great adventures in your next chapter! I am truly happy for you! I send you much love and hope to get to Boston for one of your last shows! xoxoxoxo Sandy
Dearest Sandy, Thank you for your encouraging words… I am SO grateful our careers crossed paths and I have a strong feeling we have more days of collaborating ahead of us :) You are a gift to this world of dance, and I’m blessed to have benefitted from your many talents. Jewels was undoubtedly a career highlight!! Sending love your way, Shelby
Dearest Shelby,
I curtsy to you, your bright contribution to dance and your artistic writing xo. There are many beautiful and raw things in this post that I have felt so intimately during my own path and transitions. We share almost an exact timeline of 7 yrs dancing professionally and retiring at 25 holding stories we didn’t envision and yet still honor. I think I’m five plus years since retiring, but there is still an mix of love and vulnerability towards the part of me that was a dancer. I think those threads stay with us for life, feeding everything “next” that we step to. Thank you for stirring up the good stuff and I’m sending love to you xo
Thank you for reaching out to share such encouraging, supportive thoughts! I’m touched by your words and our similar journeys… and I so appreciate you taking the time to share how my story has resonated with your own. Wishing you all the best and receiving your love!
Shelby, you are incredibly inspiring. You are a beautiful dancer, an eloquent writer, an amazing baker, a great photographer, and most of all, an outstanding human being! I am an aspiring ballet dancer and I blog as well (tututasticforyou.wordpress.com). I greatly admire all of your posts because they reflect such a strong sense of self. I wish you the best of luck with all of your future endeavors. With the way you love challenges and change, you are going to succeed at anything you put your mind to. Thank you for being a role model and for maintaining such a lovely blog!
P.S.
I often take open classes at Steps on Broadway. If you are ever at the studio, I would love to meet you! It would also be such an honor to interview you for my ballet blog and ballet FB page.
-Priyana.
Priyana,
Thank you for your generous thoughts and encouraging words! I’m humbled by your support and grateful for your readership… I’m sure I’ll be popping into Steps here and there for class once I move to the city.. if we ever cross paths, please reach out and say hello! It would be lovely to meet you in person… Sending love and light and wishing you a beautiful, healthy Spring! Shelby
Oh that is such big news! What a thoughtful post and we’ll miss seeing you and your little pup walking around near BB but more tyan anything we’ll miss seeing you on stage. Enjoy NYC and all your next adventures! Best of luck! @ohbabyboston and @ijkdancer
Thank you Leah! I appreciate your support and shared excitement!
Shelby,
You don’t know me personally, but I’ve been following your blog for a little while now, and this post really resonated with me. Up until recently, I was a pre-professional ballet student dead-set on a career in a classical company. I found that I was losing my passion for dance as a result of injuries and many opportunities in other parts of my life were opening up and I felt that my commitment to dance was holding me back rather than pushing me forward as it had been previously. It was a really tough decision, but this post really helped me see that I think it’s the right one. Like you said, you really have to love it, and I just didn’t anymore. Now I’m focusing on blogging and trying to find a new career path in the meantime. My sister is also a dance student and a freshman at Columbia GS! Once you move to the city, I would love to meet you in person if you’re at all interested. I love Boston Ballet as well and grew up going to many Nutcracker performances, so I’ve seen you dance many times. Lots of love and luck on your new journey xx
I’m so grateful you reached out! Thank you for following along my journey here on Tutus&tea…The greatest compliment I could receive from a reader is the peace/comfort that by sharing my own story, I can help inspire, support, and encourage the stories of others. I am touched by your comment! I would also love to connect with you and your sister once I move! Write me at tutusandtea@me.com and we can be in touch! Best of luck with your journey! Shelby
Thanks so much! Sounds great, looking forward to future blog posts and adventures once you’re in the city.
Hi Shelby!
Thank you so much for putting into such beautiful words exactly what I’ve been feeling. After 7 years at Carolina Ballet, and 5 years prior at Miami City Ballet, I too have decided to hang up my pointe shoes. Also while still in the corps. Corps is tough work physically and mentally! We made it, girl. We have lots to be proud of.
Being a bunhead through and through, even leaving home at 14 to study at CPYB, I had to make the tough realization that while my whole life ballet has been the ONE thing that made me happy, the amount of effort it took for me to do this daily has outweighed the artistic satisfaction and stimulation I need. I am taking my final bow May 15 and although it’s emotional, I’m so ready for CHALLENGE. That must be what drew me to ballet:)
I’m going to pursue a degree in nutrition and become a licensed dietitian. I’m so ready to use my difficult journey through the professional world, including injury and the food issues, to guide others along their path(s).
Brava and congratulations!
Elice McKinley
Hi Elice! I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you took the time to reach out, and share in our similar life chapters… Congratulations to you on what sounds like an incredible career, I’m SO proud of you! I believe the corps de ballet is such a special thing to be a part of, specifically for invested periods of time like we’ve been. We leave a legacy of dedication, hard work, passion and performances behind that will undoubtedly fuel us as we pursue our next adventures. I’m wishing you “merde” for your last performance in May, and for the many opportunities you will cherish after your dance career! Brava to you dear!
I just can’t believe how blessed we are to have you in our lives Shelby. Thank you for all the words of support you have offered us for my dancer daughter. I cannot tell you how helpful and important they have been. I will enjoy reading all your blogs and gaining insight and strength from your journey. Sending heartfelt a thank you for your generosity and spirit, Alison
Dearest Alison, my journey has been so blessed by your presence and support from my very early days of training at SAB. I believe so deeply in the future of your daughter’s success, as she has such beautiful resources of strength and love to draw from in her family. I’m so grateful to be an additional source of guidance and support…Sending love and light always, and thank you for sharing in my chronicles here on Tutus&Tea!
Reblogged this on PassionateBallerina and commented:
Shelby, you are more than an inspiration for me! I loved reading your journey and will continue to love your undiscovered journey ahead!
Wow! Just checking your blog, and! Shelby, remember – you’re unique! Happy for your next step and transmitting a million Danish good vibes transatlanticly to strengthen you at your final week with the Boston Ballet.
I’m so touched by your support Phillip, thank you!! Receiving all of your strength and good vibes, tusind tak!